I have killed about thirty houseplants in the last decade. The list is long and includes: a fiddle-leaf fig (the one everyone was buying in 2017, dead within four months), two succulents (the ones everyone said were impossible to kill, dead within six weeks), a Boston fern (dead in a month, which I am told is actually normal), a peace lily (overwatered to death in eight weeks), a calathea (dead within a month, the calathea is famously difficult), an orchid (killed by my own well-meaning over-care), a snake plant (which is supposed to be unkillable, killed by overwatering), and a string of pearls (dead in two months, the string of pearls is harder than it looks).
I am not a natural plant person. I forget to water. I overwater when I remember. I do not have great light. I travel. I do not have a green thumb. I have a brown thumb.
The plants I have now are the ones that survived. There are seven of them. The seven have been alive between two and five years. The seven are the plants I would buy again. The seven are the plants that work in a small apartment with limited light and the kind of person who forgets.
This is the list, what each plant taught me, and the small system that has kept the seven alive when the thirty died.
The seven that survived
A monstera deliciosa. The plant everyone recommends, with good reason. The monstera is forgiving. It tolerates underwatering better than overwatering. It tolerates medium light. It tolerates dry air. The leaves are beautiful. The plant grows visibly. The growth is rewarding. I bought mine as a small plant in a 10cm pot. It is now in a 25cm pot and is about 1.5m tall. I have water it once a week. I have never fertilized it. I have never repotted it except once. The cost: about €35 for the plant. The years of life: four and counting.
What I learned: the monstera is the right plant for people who are not sure if they can keep plants alive. The plant forgives. The plant rewards. The plant is worth the space.
A snake plant (sansevieria). The plant that is supposed to be unkillable. I killed my first one by overwatering. My second one has been alive for three years. The difference: I water it once a month. Once a month is enough. The snake plant prefers to be dry. The snake plant prefers indirect light. The snake plant prefers to be ignored. The plant is tall, architectural, and looks expensive without being expensive. The cost: about €15 for the small one I started with. The plant has produced two pups, which I have potted separately.
What I learned: the snake plant is the right plant for people who want a plant they do not have to think about. The plant does not want attention. The plant does not want water. The plant does not want to be moved. The plant wants to be left alone.
A pothos (epipremnum aureum). The trailing plant that is in every other apartment. The pothos is forgiving in every dimension. It tolerates low light. It tolerates inconsistent watering. It tolerates dry air. It grows quickly. It trails nicely. The cuttings can be propagated in water. I have given away probably eight pothos cuttings from my original plant. The original plant has been alive for five years. The cost: about €10 for the small cutting I started with.
What I learned: the pothos is the right plant for beginners. The plant is cheap. The plant grows fast. The plant is forgiving. The plant can be propagated indefinitely. The plant is essentially free after the first year.
A ZZ plant (zamioculcas zamiifolia). The plant that I bought on a recommendation from a friend who said "you cannot kill this." The friend was right. The ZZ plant has been alive for three years. I water it every three to four weeks. I have never fertilized it. I have never repotted it. The plant has not grown visibly, but it has not died either. The plant is doing the slow thing of ZZ planting. The cost: about €25 for the medium plant I bought.
What I learned: the ZZ plant is the right plant for people who travel. The plant survives weeks without water. The plant survives inconsistent light. The plant survives neglect. The plant does not reward attention.
A rubber plant (ficus elastica). The plant with the thick, dark leaves. The rubber plant is moderately forgiving. It does not like to be moved. It does not like inconsistent watering. It does like bright, indirect light. I have mine in the corner near the window. The plant has been alive for two years. The plant is about 1m tall. The cost: about €30 for the medium plant I bought.
What I learned: the rubber plant is the right plant for someone who has a stable spot with bright indirect light. The plant does not want to be moved. The plant does want consistent watering. The plant rewards consistency.
A Chinese money plant (pilea peperomioides). The plant with the round leaves. The pilea is moderately easy. It likes bright, indirect light. It likes consistent watering. It produces pups that can be propagated. The plant has been alive for two years. The plant has produced three pups, which I have given away. The cost: about €20 for the small plant I started with.
What I learned: the pilea is the right plant for someone who wants to share plants. The plant produces offsets. The offsets can be potted. The offsets can be given away. The plant is essentially self-propagating.
A philodendron heart-leaf. The trailing plant with the heart-shaped leaves. The philodendron is forgiving. It tolerates low light. It tolerates inconsistent watering. It grows quickly. The cuttings can be propagated in water. The plant has been alive for four years. The plant has trailed about 1.5m down from the shelf. The cost: about €15 for the small pot I started with.
What I learned: the philodendron is the right trailing plant. The plant is forgiving. The plant grows fast. The plant is cheap.
Total cost of the seven: about €150. Years of life: between two and five years each. Total replacement cost if all died tomorrow: about €150. The plants are not expensive. The plants are not high-maintenance. The plants are forgiving.
What killed the thirty
The reasons the thirty plants died. The reasons were consistent across the species.
Overwatering. The most common cause. About half of the deaths were overwatering. The mistake was watering on a schedule (every Sunday) rather than based on whether the soil was actually dry. The fix: check the soil before watering. Stick a finger 2cm into the soil. If the soil is dry, water. If the soil is moist, wait.
Inconsistent watering. The second most common cause. About a quarter of the deaths were from inconsistent watering — letting the plant dry out completely, then flooding it, then letting it dry out again. The inconsistency is harder on plants than consistent underwatering. The fix: pick a watering schedule (once a week, or every two weeks, depending on the plant) and follow it.
Wrong light. A common cause for the plants that did not survive in their original spot. The fiddle-leaf fig died because I put it in a corner that was too dark. The calathea died because I put it in a spot that was too sunny. The fix: research the light requirements before buying. The plants I have now are all in spots that match their light requirements.
Repotting too soon. A common cause for plants bought in small nursery pots. The temptation is to repot immediately into a "nicer" pot. The repotting is often unnecessary. The plant needs time to acclimate. The fix: leave the plant in its nursery pot for at least a month before repotting.
Bugs. A occasional cause, particularly for plants bought at big-box stores. The fix: inspect the plant for bugs before buying. Look under the leaves. Look at the stems. Look at the soil. If there are bugs, do not buy the plant.
Cats. Not applicable to me, but a common cause for plant owners. The fix: keep toxic plants out of reach, or do not buy toxic plants.
The system that works
The system that has kept the seven alive.
The watering schedule. Each plant has a watering schedule. The schedule is based on the plant's needs, not on the calendar. The monstera gets watered once a week. The snake plant gets watered once a month. The ZZ plant gets watered once every three to four weeks. The pothos gets watered once a week. The philodendron gets watered once a week. The rubber plant gets watered once a week. The pilea gets watered once a week.
The check-in. Once a week, on Sunday morning, I check all the plants. I check the soil. I check for bugs. I check for new growth. I rotate the plants if they are growing unevenly. The check-in takes about ten minutes. The check-in is the system that catches problems before they become fatal.
The light audit. When I bring a new plant home, I watch it for a month. If the plant is dropping leaves, growing toward the window, or showing signs of stress, the plant is in the wrong light. The fix is to move the plant. The audit is the period of adjustment.
The repotting rule. I only repot when the plant is clearly root-bound (roots coming out of the bottom of the pot). Otherwise, I leave the plant in its current pot. The repotting rule prevents the over-care that kills many plants.
The bug watch. Once a month, I look at the plants for bugs. The most common are spider mites, mealybugs, and fungus gnats. The bugs are treatable if caught early. The bugs are fatal if ignored. The watch is preventive.
The fertilizer restraint. I fertilize maybe twice a year. Most houseplants do not need much fertilizer. The over-fertilization is a common cause of plant death. The restraint prevents the over-care.
What I would buy if I were starting over
If I were starting with no plants and had to build the collection from scratch, I would buy these, in this order.
Step one: a snake plant. About €15. The plant is forgiving. The plant is unkillable (almost). The plant is architectural. The plant starts the collection with a high-confidence win.
Step two: a pothos. About €10. The plant trails. The plant is cheap. The plant is forgiving. The plant grows fast. The plant is the visible reward of having plants.
Step three: a monstera. About €35. The plant is beautiful. The plant grows. The plant is forgiving. The plant is the centerpiece.
Step four: a ZZ plant. About €25. The plant is for the spot where nothing else works. The plant is for travel. The plant is the backup.
After those four, the collection is established. The rest can be added based on interest and budget.
What I would not buy again
The plants I have killed and would not buy again.
Fiddle-leaf fig. The plant is dramatic and beautiful. The plant is also difficult. The plant drops leaves at the slightest change in light, water, or temperature. The plant is not for someone with a brown thumb.
Calathea. The plant is beautiful. The plant is famously difficult. The plant wants specific humidity, specific light, specific water. The plant is not for beginners.
Orchid (phalaenopsis). The plant is beautiful when in bloom. The plant is also difficult to re-bloom. The bloom lasts about three months. The non-bloom periods are long. The plant is not for someone who wants year-round interest.
Boston fern. The plant is pretty. The plant is also a humidity hog. The plant drops leaves if the air is dry. The plant is not for an apartment with central heating.
Succulents. The plant is supposed to be easy. The plant is also easy to overwater. The plant is for someone who can resist the urge to water.
The pattern in these failures is consistent: the plant wants specific conditions, and the conditions I can provide are not those conditions. The fix is to choose plants that match the conditions I can provide, not the conditions I wish I could provide.
The honest summary
I am not a plant person. I am a person who has plants. The distinction is important. The plants I have are the plants that survive. The plants I have are the plants that match the conditions I can provide.
The seven I have are about €150 total. The seven have been alive between two and five years. The seven are not high-maintenance. The seven are forgiving. The seven are the plants I would buy again.
If you have killed plants, the answer is not to give up on plants. The answer is to choose plants that match your conditions. The snake plant, the pothos, the monstera, the ZZ plant. The forgiving ones. The survivors.